'It Sways and It Swings and It Bends'

It's been nearly four months since my 36th birthday and last entry in this blog. I'm still on the job hunt. I've found seasonal retail work and a freelance assignment, thankfully, but am on edge as Congress debates whether or not to maintain extended unemployment benefits.

Regardless of what happens, I know I'll get through it. That's one of the great lessons I learned at age 35.

My friend Nichole is also reckoning with that same hard-earned lesson. Like me, she recently turned 36. And, like me, her past year was a tough one. And a great one. She says it all so much better than I could, so I'll let her tell you the story of her life at 35.

Your name (first name and last initial): Nichole G.

What year did you turn 35? 2012

Where were you living then? Long Beach, California

What were you doing then? Working 12–14 hour days running our family yogurt shop.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35? I had a year filled with high highs and very low lows. We lost my dear cousin and business partner to a long battle with cancer. Her passing struck me hard because we were close friends as well as cousins—we were like sisters. I've lost people before in my life, but she was the closest—I still find myself wanting to text her or go have a movie night with her. Yet, as a testament to how poetic life is, it was around this sad time that my husband and I were able to take the trip of a lifetime to Alaska. We had an amazing vacation, cruising into beautiful country and experiencing the grandeur of nature. It was a blessed trip, from start to finish and in retrospect, I see it was vital to my physical and spiritual health. God knew I would need that respite. That's the only way I can explain the timing of it.

What major events happened in the world that year? Without checking back—what sticks out to me is the 2012 election. Barack Obama was re-elected—I was happy about that, but I was elated to see Senator Elizabeth Warren elected in 2012.

What are your favorite memories of being 35? I remember vignettes—our trip to Alaska was one big one. Getting to spend time with my dear cousin before she passed. And moments with my parents (they would come and help me at the store, weekly) and I cherished that time with them. I realized, even in the midst of the stress of the business, that it was a unique and special gift that I was able to spend so much time with my parents during my workday—and that the business happened to be 5 minutes from their house.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I liked that I was able to see real growth in myself. I started going to therapy when I was 34, for the first time in my life, and continued after I turned 35. It really helped me to see why I was the way I was, what my coping mechanisms were, how to sit with my feelings, how to be honest with myself, how to get to the core of what was really going on when I was feeling angry or frustrated or lashing out. I still have a long way to go, but I feel stronger and better prepared to deal with things now. And in my experiences working in my own business, I've grown by leaps and bounds. I've faced challenges I've never before faced, given more time and effort to something than ever before and learned what I'm made of. I feel like I'm harder to knock down than I was before.

What did you like least about yourself at that age? I didn't like how easy it was to fall back into bad habits. With all my emotional growth, I would still find myself backsliding into old behaviors, old coping mechanisms. It would be like one step forward, two steps back (not to paraphrase Paula Abdul too much).

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I learned how short life is and how important it is to live and to be brave and to do the things you want to do. I know it's a cliché, and it's a lesson I've learned before, but there was a clarity this year: realizing my beautiful cousin was only 15 years older than me when she passed. I realized how much of my life I've spent waiting for things to happen, waiting for things to get better, waiting for me to be better and at 35 I know that's pointless. None of us knows how long we have here—and I decided I didn't want to waste any more time.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? I thought I would have it all together by that age. I never realized how young and inexperienced I would still feel at times.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? That I'm still just me. I didn't magically turn wiser or "grow up" or reach a particular epiphany when I turned 35. That milestone ages are still just ages. If it gets us to reflect on our path, that's good—but I think we should be reflecting on our path anyway.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? I would be kinder to myself. And I would take better care of my body. When I was 35, I had a very bad episode with my back—I was spending too many hours at the store (during our slow season) and really sacrificed my health to the altar of my business. It sounds almost too literal, but I really think the weight of my business was bearing down on me. I was at the shop 6 days a week, 14 hours a day (2 days/week, completely alone), stressing about money all the time, and it crunched my back. I had a really bad two months where I was in a lot of pain and a few weeks when I could barely walk. We had to close the store one day because I was the only one who could work—and I couldn't walk. My back is better now, but it hasn't fully healed—I still have residual effects from that episode. That was sobering and scary and I realized that the business, as important as it was to me, was not more important than my health. Since then, I've made choices with that in mind. It's still hard—but knowing what happened last year has made me more conscious of my needs. A term I learned in therapy: self-care. I'm still learning how to do it, but it's starting with me being honest about my needs, for really the first time in my life.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? If you haven't already, start being present in your life today. Feel this moment, be awake to yourself and to the world around you. I felt like I traveled in a haze through most of my 20s and early 30s. Like I was always waiting for something, always worried about something, always fearful and fretting about something—and not being present in that moment. I think my memory of those times is hazy because I wasn't really there—I was off in my own neuroses, obsessing about something else. I feel like we're conditioned to go to high school, go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids—that's not the path for everyone. And even if it is your path, even if you want those things, you may come to them in different order. I think we have to make peace with that. I know we're fighting a biological clock (which is a whole other article), but if you're 35, live in the moment. Look around. Breathe. Look up. Get in touch with your spirit and the universe around you. The advice holds for any age, but that is what's helping me now at the wise age of 36!

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? This year was one of the hardest of my life, but it held some of the most beautiful and rare moments as well. I know I would not have chosen to go through these dark times; I think it's human nature to want everything to be sunny and happy and easy. But after going through this difficult time and learning from it and growing because of it, I see that it was worth it. I needed these changes and realizations and lessons. I think it's like school—most of us don't like to write papers or take tests—but we usually come out of them better on the other side. Remember that when you're being tested. Remember that when you're in the darkness and you will even more fully enjoy and embrace the light.