Bountiful, Blissful, Beautiful

In 2000, I decided it was time to turn my curiosity about yoga into a yoga practice and investigated the studios in my area. I didn't know about the different types of yoga so was completely open to any class I could find.

Of all the calls I made and e-mails I sent, I only heard back from one studio. I read its schedule and the description of its classes, which were designed to increase flexibility, improve energy flow and promote relaxation. It sounded perfect.

I took my first class in January. From the moment I stepped into the room and took my place on the carpet, I knew I'd made the right decision—that yoga studio and the Kundalini practice were for me.

I met Nelann through my yoga practice. She's one of my teachers and has been a great example to me of the benefits a dedicated practice can reap.

Since she turned 35, Nelann worked hard and retired after 38 years at Albertsons. She also started teaching Kundalini Yoga, which she reports "has changed my life in all aspects."

Your name Nelann G.

What year did you turn 35? 1985

Where were you living then? Arcadia, California

What were you doing then (working, going to school, raising kids, etc.)? I was working at Albertsons Inc. and interpreting for hearing impaired.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35 (got married, bought a house, moved to a new city, started a new job, etc.)? Got a position at Centralia School District mainstreaming deaf children in regular classrooms. Very rewarding!

What major events happened in the world that year? I think the eruption of Mt Saint Helens.

What are your favorite memories of being 35? It was a good time in my life. Very happy.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? Life is beginning and feeling mature.

What did you like least about yourself at that age? My son was a teenager and it was a few crazy years.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? Live life to the fullest. Family is very important.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? My body was changing I had to get a hysterectomy and wanted to have a child. Sad.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? No surprises.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Really work hard at my relationship with husband.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-old women? Be real and enjoy life to the fullest.

'I like you, very much. Just as you are.'

I'm not a "My So-Called Life" super-fan, but there are moments from the show that have stuck with me over the year. One that I've been thinking about lately is in the episode "The Zit" when Angela is supposed to do a fashion show with her mom, Patty, but, thanks to the zit in question and the general malaise associated with being a 15-year-old girl, Angela doesn't want to participate.

In the episode's climax, Angela has a heart-to-heart with her mom and asks her what it was like to be so pretty when she was younger. Patty responds, "I just wish that I'd been able to enjoy it."

Of course, Patty was still pretty, with her pixie haircut and sharp features, but she didn't feel as pretty as she had been in her moment, whenever that was. When I watched the show as a teenager, that idea of having a certain time in your life when you were at your absolute best, and then not even realizing it or being able to enjoy it, really struck me. Now that I'm closer to Patty's age than Angela's, it still does.

Did I have that moment, that day, that week, whatever, when I was my absolute best? If I did, I missed it because I have no recollection of it. Was I working late that day? Did I oversleep? Was I bogged down in a big project? What kept me from making the most of it?

Life is littered with missed opportunities and, for too many of us, the opportunity to truly appreciate and accept ourselves is one of those. "I'd be great if I had a different haircut, bigger boobs, longer legs, a smaller nose, fuller lips …" Those fixes are rarely the answer, so we'll find something else to fixate on.

All of this picking and fixating is so terrible, and it keeps us from truly loving and appreciating ourselves as we are. Rivers Cuomo sings, "One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink" in Weezer's "Pork & Beans." I want to be that person.

Having this I'm-great-just-the-way-I-am attitude can be an excuse to be lazy. I do have to be more accepting of myself but I also have to walk more and go to that early Sunday yoga class and, despite it being one of the greatest things in life, I don't need to drink Coke probably ever.

The attitude I'm developing for myself is "I'm great and getting better." I don't want to pick myself into complete melancholic paralysis but also don't want to settle for being a so-so version of myself. I want to be strong, confident and happy enough to recognize and enjoy whatever awaits.

'10 Years!'

A few weeks ago I wrote about running into a former editor who agreed to contribute to "What Is 35?" This week's entry is also the result of a reunion with a former coworker, this time online.

Michelle recently wrote an incredible piece for The How To Issue called "How to Laugh in the Face of Envy in Four Steps" that everyone should read. I was introduced to the post thanks to a common friend and decided Michelle, with her talent, voice and insights, would be an ideal person to contribute to this blog.

I'm very grateful that she said yes.

This is what Michelle reports on her post-35 life:
"My mother-in-law—a truly wonderful, fiery and beautiful woman—passed away. My daughter started preschool. I got a front cover author credit on an art instruction book sold in major bookstores. Johnny Marr replied to me on Twitter."

Your name Michelle P.

What year did you turn 35? 2010

Where were you living then? I resided in the same city as now—Long Beach, California.

What were you doing then (working, going to school, raising kids, etc.)? My daughter had just turned 2 years old and wasn't yet in preschool, so I was home tending to her every day, working on the odd freelance job in book publishing at night, and putting the finishing touches on my M.A. thesis whenever possible.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35 (got married, bought a house, moved to a new city, started a new job, etc.)? I finally completed my M.A. in history, which began as a personal enrichment mission seven years prior. I know ... I know. Reading more challenging books at the library probably would have sufficed.

What major events happened in the world that year? I had to look this up, to be honest. Although I remember the specific incidents well, life's chronology until two hours ago is completely hazy. Unfortunately, no shortage of natural disasters, catastrophes and near catastrophes caused by humans, the withdrawal of combat troops from Iraq, WikiLeaks and the rise of Apolo Ohno.

What are your favorite memories of being 35? Regardless of the fact that I completed my thesis in the final hour, I won the CSULB College of Liberal Arts' Outstanding Thesis Award, which was both surprising and tremendously gratifying. Because the months preceding that were excruciating, I think I've blocked them out.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I suppose my ability to see things through was really put to the test that year. I toyed with throwing seven years of reading extremely large books and writing 30-page papers down the drain on many occasions because balancing the care of a rambunctious 2-year-old with writing something worthwhile and living life somewhere in between was proving difficult. So, with much encouragement from friends and professors, I stuck it out, and it paid off. It was at 35, after all that madness, that I realized what my dad always told me is true: "You just take your sweet time doing things, but when you do them, they're usually pretty good."

What did you like least about yourself at that age? I think 35 is when I finally started to feel *not* 25, and I didn't like that at all. I still don't. If I can recall, I was prone to bouts of ennui following two years of motherhood, no steady work and few opportunities for fun and travel; and believe me, that's no fun for anyone.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? The aforementioned realization that good things do, in fact, happen to me, but sometimes they simply take a while finally struck. Also, with regard to my immediate family life, it dawned on me that I'm not the only one who feels things. I'm tired? Well, perhaps my husband's tired, but he doesn't whimper as much. My daughter's high-pitched squeals can drive me to the brink of insanity, but she probably doesn't enjoy listening to The Smiths as much as I like to believe she does. That kind of thing.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? At 21, I certainly thought I'd have it together by 35. The package deal should have included a husband, at least one child, a nice car, maybe a house, a mid-career title and yearly vacations. I have a few of those things, but my definition of "together" has evolved—or devolved, depending on how you define it. Now it just means "not ill or irreversibly unhappy."

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? Despite what I said above, getting carded at 35 was pretty great. It was also surprising that I wasn't chained to a desk, although money does have its upside.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? I would've cleaned less and written more. I probably could've had a book done by now.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-old women? I would suggest doing your best work in your professional and personal life, and hope for the best. Deserving people don't always get the big bucks or acclaim, but at least you know for yourself that did what you were supposed to do and you did it well. Also, do your best not to embrace negativity. It's so ingrained in our social media-driven culture that it's barely discernible at this point, but there's enough snark and gossip to go around; we don't need to contribute more. There are plenty of other ways to be funny. That's all I've got. I should add that my doctor advises you to take your calcium.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? There's not much else except that at 35, there's no denying adulthood, especially if you have a spouse, kids, numerous financial obligations and logistical nightmares to deal with day in and day out. If you don't have those things, I'm all for denying it as long as you can.

'I'm Never Really Ready'

I started a project for my other blog earlier this year where I've been listening to every CD in my collection in order. This week, I'm listening to my John Mayer CDs, which is somewhat fortuitous considering he turned 35 yesterday. If I knew how, I'd send him a questionnaire in 364 days.

I don't have one all-time-favorite John Mayer song but many, many contenders, one of which is "In Repair," featuring the line I used for this week's post title. I was listening to that song last night when I was thinking about what my friend Ethan, the first man to contribute to this site, wrote about being 35.

As you'll read below, Ethan suffered two terrible losses when he turned 35, losses he wasn't prepared for but dealt with better than he probably imagined he could. I think that's such an important part of growing up, building the strength and the smarts to do or say the right thing at the right time even if we're not sure we can.

Since he turned 35, Ethan began the process of opening his own law office. His younger sister became the first person on his dad's side, and only the second person in his entire family, to go from high school straight to a four-year university. She's now in her third year and Ethan said, "Words cannot describe how proud I am of her."

He served as the "maid of honor" at the wedding of one of his best friends, which he said was one of the happiest of most wonderful days of his life. Ethan also saw his fifth U2 tour on which he attended his 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th and 17th shows by the band, more than any other band or artist he's ever followed.

Your name (first name and last initial) Ethan Y.

What year did you turn 35? 2009

Where were you living then? The first part of the year I lived in Orange County [,California]. Three weeks after I turned 35, I moved away from Orange County for the first time in my adult life. OK, so really I only moved just up the 405 to Long Beach, but still . . .

What were you doing then? Professionally? I was an unemployed lawyer scraping through the recession and holding on for dear life. Emotionally? Well, kind of the same—except redact "an unemployed lawyer" and instead of "the recession," insert "death". Physically? I got a white hair in my left eyebrow. I should have never plucked it!

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35? For me, 35 was overshadowed and all encompassed by the death of both of my paternal grandparents; the first, my Grandpa, passed away just nine days after my 35th birthday, and then my Grandma followed him, seven months and two hours after the day my Grandpa passed on. They were the only two people I ever really considered my Grandpa and Grandma. I am sure some other stuff happened to me that year, but it all pretty much falls by the wayside in comparison.

What major events happened in the world that year? Earthquake in Haiti, tsunami in Chile, BP Gulf oil spill, Winter Olympics (which I did not watch), the Wikileaks scandal (which I found fascinating) and Greece's economy nearly collapsed after being downgraded by the S&P to "junk." Do we ever remember anything good and happy in world events?

What are your favorite memories of being 35? What stands out most in my mind is how my "Y." family banded together during crisis and loss. I had an immense sense of "family" that year, even though we lost the patriarch and matriarch of our family. And, I must say, I'm quite proud of my family for coming together and looking out for each other and not being one of those families at the ready to jump into the blood arena at the mere scent of impending death.
In between nadirs of sadness, I did get an outer rail spot to U2 360 in Vegas and was mere feet away from my lifelong hero, Bono. I also got into the inner circle—and almost into some fisticuffs—at the (crazy!) Rose Bowl show. I stood on the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time. I went to Portland for the first time (and Powell Books—ah-mazing!). And, I had a really great weekend at Long Beach GLBT Pride with a boy I liked and my roommates—lots and lots of fun . . . in all different volumetric sizes.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? A couple things. One being that I felt like, through our family tragedy, I rose to the occasion as a good son, brother, nephew, cousin and grandson. I felt, really for the first time, like a man. The sadness and grief dealt to my Dad and my Aunt challenged me to be strong and be supportive, a buttress for my family; and I feel that I performed those responsibilities quite well. Second, as hard as it was, I was still surviving and making it on my own. Recession be damned!

What did you like least about yourself at that age? My career was not as I had ever envisioned.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I felt a magnitude of loss and heartbreak that I had never experienced, ever in my life.
I felt death.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? I think I had a lot of the same misconceptions as many others in my generation. I thought I would be a big, grown-up adult by the time I was 35, with a "wife" (husband), a house, kids, two dogs, a cat and a 2.5 car garage, etc., and that certainly was not the case.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? I made a lot of new friends at 35—"Blue Crack" friends and non-U2 friends. I've always made friends easily, but it was the depths of these friendships that surprised me—perhaps, because I was making friends as an adult with adults. Nonetheless, these bonds seemed stronger. These were not like the friendships of my youth.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Had I known that my visit in the hospital with my Grandpa that whole, entire day was going to be the last time I would ever spend with him alive, I would have read him my heart and clung to him for dear life. In an equal vein, in my last, articulate dialogue with my Grandma, less than 10 days before her passing, I wouldn't have held back out of fear of pointing out her rapidly failing health to her, and I would have told her that she was the most good, most pure, most devoted, most loving, best, ABSOLUTE BEST, person I ever had the privilege and honor to know in my entire 35 years of this world. To this day, I do believe that she knew how I felt, but still, I would have said it to her.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? It's almost the perfect age. You're old enough to not be young and immature, but you're still young enough to be energetic and vital. Life still has lots of surprises in store for you. As the musicians are apt to say when the muse arrives and musician and music are in perfect synchronicity: You're in the pocket.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? A eulogy on my year of death: To this day it still blows my mind how the death of his parents brought unexpected patience, understanding, and calmness to my father. He and I had always had a somewhat contentious relationship. I knew he loved me, but was never sure that he actually liked me. "Like father, like son" really ate at him. It angered him all the ways I am like him, especially in my failings and imperfections . . . and handling anger (and emotions) is probably his greatest imperfection. Instead of dealing with and letting go of his anger, he always deflected and aimed it at me. But the death of his parents rattled him to his core. Both of us were blessed and had lived our entire lives without ever experiencing loss like the loss of Grandpa and Grandma. It changed him. I believe it made him understand in a new way the value and importance of his family. He had always been there for us: provided for us, cared for us, loved us. But after death, he let go of anger for us. In the few years since my Grandparents' passing, my Dad has become much softer, more mellow and, for him, much more affectionate. I'm sure age has played a part in the mellowing of his stormy seas, but I think the greater affecting factor was the loss of his parents. I still marvel at how much he has changed. No, he's not all the way there, and I think he will always have angry seas that live inside of him, but nowadays, they're more like choppy wading pools.

'It's All Happening'

"Almost Famous" was on HBO this weekend. It had been entirely too long since I'd watched it, so it felt so good to curl up on the couch and reunite with William and Penny and Russell, Stillwater, The Band Aids and all the rest. The movie is truly fantastic—honest, sweet, funny, heartbreaking, inspiring. Very few scenes are as simply perfect as the band singing along to "Tiny Dancer" on the bus after a nearly catastrophic fight.

I started reading Rolling Stone in junior high, the magazine's interviews and reviews a definite step up from what I'd been reading in teenybopper magazines up until that point. Inspired by interviews I read in the magazine, the bands whose faces covered my bedroom walls and Patricia Kennealy Morrison's memoir "Strange Days" (which I mentioned before), I set my sights on being a rock journalist.

It was such a solid plan. I spent a year-and-a-half on the high school newspaper staff, contributed a few columns to the local newspaper and majored in journalism in college. I wrote and edited for the school paper, was a stringer for the entertainment section of another local paper, and as graduation approached, I felt confident I could get that job I dreamed of with MTV or Rolling Stone, maybe not right away, but I could build to it.

I did have an interview at MTV once. Gideon Yago got the job. I contributed reviews and interviews to online and print publications, and was the contributing editor for aU2 fansite for several years, which was probably the closest I came to living out that teenage dream.

I was one year out of college when "Almost Famous" was released and it felt like my story, or at least the story I'd craft for myself if given the power. My mouth dropped open during the following scene:

"William Miller? William, this is Ben Fong Torres, I'm the music editor at Rolling Stone magazine. We got a couple of your stories from the San Diego Door. ... Listen, I think you should be writing for us."

I turned to my companion that night and said I wanted to hear those words. Sadly, 12 years later, I never have.

I wanted that dream for most of my life. At some point, the importance of having a dependable job with health insurance, a somewhat livable salary and a 401(k) grew, as did the realization that every spring journalism schools across the country were sending junior me's out into the world and the competition would be tougher and tougher and tougher. I gave up on that dream, though I did start A Joyful Noise to be my outlet for those remaining William Miller ambitions of mine.

It does feel strange not to have a dream job anymore. Now my career ambitions are less concrete, instead of imagining myself in a certain position for a certain publication, I think about what I'd like from a job, everything from the opportunities it provides me to the contribution that job can me make in the world.

I may not be William Miller, or his true-life counterpart Cameron Crowe when I grow up, but I hope to be the best at whatever it is I'm doing.

Casting a Wider Net

I made a commitment to myself that I would update this blog once a week, generally on Wednesdays, and nearly let myself off the hook this week. Behind the scenes, I'm sending out more requests for contributions and quite a few people are working on questionnaires, which is very exciting.

I started this project with family and friends, the easier targets, but am slowly reaching out into the world at large. Most of the time now when I see someone on TV, hear a song on the radio or read an article I think, "That person would be perfect for my blog." With some persistence and well-crafted inquiries, I hope to get at least a few of those people featured on this site.

Even though I've sent requests to a few public figures, I've by no means tapped out my well of family and friends. So, if you're in my family or one of my friends (woman or man), are over 35 and I haven't yet asked you to fill out a questionnaire, I will. If you'd like to save me the plea, you can e-mail me a completed questionnaire (which can be found here). If you're a total stranger who just happened upon this site because of Twitter or some random internet search and would like to contribute, too, feel free to e-mail me at whatis35@gmail.com.

I look forward to reading and sharing all of your stories!