This past week I ran into some people I hadn't seen in a while, people who didn't know I was currently jobless.
"So have you been?"
Eh ….
"What's new?"
Um …
Yeah, it's awkward. I don't know what to say and they don't know how to react. It's like when you see an old acquaintance who asks about the boyfriend you broke up with, the friend you're no longer speaking to, the relative who died—they don't know they've hit a sore spot, they're just curious about your life.
After more than two months, I naively thought that everybody did know I'd been laid off and that I wouldn't have to tell the story anymore. I realize now that there's no way of guaranteeing that any news, good or bad, will be properly spread to every single person in your life, so I have to be prepared to give the updates and answer the questions, even when I don't feel like it.
As I've written before, I've been overwhelmed by a gracious outpouring ever since I learned I'd be losing my job. I've been recommended for jobs, sent listings, received notes of love and encouragement, and gotten more hugs, handshakes, smiles and nods than I can count. All of that has meant so much to me but there are still times when I want to close in and shut down, when I succumb to solipsism, am overtaken by doubt, do battle with self-pity, and just want to be left alone.
I feel like the worst person in the world at those times.
I want help except when I don't. I want to talk about it except when I can't. There are times when I want to unload everything, dissect the minute whys and hows, and somehow arrive at the purpose of this experience; other times I want to forget it and just talk about anything else.
As positive, as hopeful, as confident as I can be, I do sometimes feel that I don't wear all this as well as I could, and I'm sorry for that.
Someone who wears most things much better than I ever could is Russell Brand. He's hosting a charity gig tomorrow night to raise money to help people addicted to drugs and alcohol get the help they need. In this diary entry he talks about how his own struggle pushes him to help others. It's an incredibly worthwhile read.
I feel your pain. I feel the same way too. I'm grateful for the encouragement, but sometimes you really just don't want to talk about it. There's that line: should I be totally honest? Put a positive spin on it? And wishing you knew the answer. Wondering if it ever gets easier. I hold on to hope though. And keep slogging through knowing I am already stronger than I was.
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