'Now I Know, I Got to Play My Hand'

I've been singing Heart songs most of my life. I think I was singing "Barracuda" on the way to pre-school (along with other late '70s/early '80s gems like the Stevie Nicks/Don Henley duet "Leather and Lace"). Ann and Nancy Wilson are enviously talented and as I've gotten older, my admiration for them has grown.

One of my favorite Heart songs is "Straight On," from which this installment's title comes: "Now I know, I got to play my hand/What the winner don't know, a gambler understands." When I feel like taking a chance, those lyrics come to mind.

Karen, this week's contributor, took the first in a series of big jumps in her mid-30s. Thanks to the confidence she gained from taking that first leap, she's been able to make even bigger moves, some of which she includes in this list of big post-35 events:

1. Child: My husband and I had a son in 1999. He’s the joy of my life and I am so glad my hubby talked me into having him, because when I was 35, I was so sure I never wanted kids.
2. Separation: When I turned 40 my husband and I separated for a year and a half. It was a horrible time but we both learned a lot and our relationship grew stronger as a result.
3. Death: My grandmother died and my mother-in-law died—one at 96, the other much too young. My first real experiences with death.
4. Recession: Experiencing the 2008 recession, seeing friends laid off, seeing my parents and others lose lots of their retirement savings, and seeing that no one was held accountable for it gave me a much more “Zen” attitude toward the world. You can’t plan everything, and nothing is for sure. This isn’t a bad thing.
5. Business: As a result of No. 4 I started my own business with three partners. Again, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, but like the other challenges I’ve faced, I’ve learned so much.

Here, Karen shares the experiences she had and lessons she learned at 35.

Your name (first name and last initial) Karen A.

What year did you turn 35? 1998

Where were you living then? Long Beach, California

What were you doing then (working, going to school, raising kids, etc.)? Married for 4 years, working, no kids.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35 (got married, bought a house, moved to a new city, started a new job, etc.)? I had just come off a rollercoaster year of challenges. When I was 34 I left the “comfort zone” of the magazine where I had worked since graduating from college. I wanted to make more money so I went to work as a marketing copywriter at a big corporation. The money was great and I learned a lot, but the workload was crushing—I was in the office six days a week. When I started having to go to work on Sundays as well, I decided this wasn’t for me. I quit and became a freelance writer for a while. I hated that, and was fortunate that my boss at the magazine hired me back.

What major events happened in the world that year? I had to look this up, because I remember nothing (apologies to Nora Ephron), but here are some major events:

• the TV show “Seinfeld” ended (and the last episode was horrible),
• California banned smoking in bars/nightclubs (this was life-changing because my husband was a musician, so we spent three nights a week in bars/nightclubs, and I hate smoke. It was great not to come home reeking.),
• the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal was exploding,
• Google was incorporated. The advent of the Internet into our lives (especially at work) was probably the biggest event for me—it really changed everything about how we worked.

What are your favorite memories of being 35? I felt I was truly at a personal and professional peak. My husband and I had a great relationship, lots of friends, and a great new apartment. We went out all the time, dancing and seeing live music with our friends. I was physically fit, full of energy and looked good (I remember the big thrill of my corporate job was the excuse to go out and buying lots of new clothes!). Professionally, I am proud of myself for going through so many challenges the year before I turned 35, and learning how to tackle them all. When I came back to the magazine company, I got an awesome job editing a magazine for young entrepreneurs. The dotcom boom was just taking off, and our magazine was right in the thick of it. I had so much fun at work that year! I remember just feeling “I’m at the top of my game right now” and that I could take on the world.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I was coming out of my shell and becoming a more confident person. As a very shy person, I’m still shocked that I actually had the balls to negotiate with my boss, quit my job, take a job I really had no experience in and where I didn’t know anyone, and rock it!

What did you like least about yourself at that age? As you can tell, I was pretty happy with myself, although I’m sure I still beat myself up occasionally about being shy, selfish, dorky, having cellulite, and all the things that we beat ourselves up about no matter how successful we are.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I tend to take the easy way out and stick with what’s safe. That year, I learned that trying something new—even when you’re scared to do it—really pays off. I came back to my magazine job with so much more confidence, and it affected everything I did from then on. I was able to negotiate a bigger salary because I knew if they didn’t say yes, I could leave again. A year later, I took a job I really knew nothing about (Web editor). I would never have done that without the experiences I had at 35.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? As a kid, I remember thinking 35 was totally middle-aged … like you’d have gray hair and wear elastic-waist, polyester pants. In reality, 35 is pretty much a perfect age—you’re confident and not a “girl” anymore, but you’re still young enough to enjoy whatever you want to do (in other words, if you want to stay out till 3 a.m., bungee jump or try windsurfing, your body can still handle it …). There are still a lot of options ahead of you and open to you.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? I don’t think I was really surprised about anything—I felt I was right where I should be.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? If I had known how much your body starts to change after age 40 and how, even if you do exercise religiously, things start to decline, I would have made a point to think about the physical things I wanted to do—like running a marathon, surfing or learning to salsa dance—and start doing them. Now, approaching 50, I have to take my deteriorating knee cartilage and rotator cuff into account whenever I consider a new activity. It sucks. (Speaking of the knees—maybe I shouldn’t have done so much step aerobics when I was 35, but hey, I didn’t know.)

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-old women? The advice I’d offer women at any age: Enjoy this time and take the risks you’re considering so that you look back on your life feeling satisfied. (And if you’re feeling old and fat, remember that in 10 years you’ll look back at 35 and think wistfully how young and thin you were.)