'You Place the Flowers in the Vase …'

I bonded with this week's contributor at my first real job in 1999. Dr. Erica is simply one of the coolest people I've ever known—smart, passionate, funny, tough and honest. She recently turned 36 and reflects on the amazing adventures, milestones and heartbreaks she faced at 35 below.

Your name (first name and last initial) Erica H.

What year did you turn 35? 2012

Where were you living then? Ashland, Wisconsin. The middle of the fucking arctic tundra. Horribly long winters, but living on Lake Superior is amazing.

What were you doing then? I was in my fourth year as an assistant professor of history at a very small liberal arts college. I was preparing for a big trip to Europe. I was finishing the edits on my first book. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right fallopian tube.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35? My first book, on wine culture in 19th century America, was accepted for publication by a big academic press. A massive, awesome milestone for me. I also got married—for the second time. The wedding was tiny, only 35 people, in a church-turned-yoga-studio six blocks from Lake Superior, two days after Thanksgiving. We did everything OUR way: tiny, beautiful venue and group of people; awesome four-piece jazz band; cheesecake; our favorite beer on tap. A huge year for me!

What major events happened in the world that year? I feel like the world has grown only more polarized in the past few years. Partisan politics, of course. But also the everyday life stuff that used to be fairly rote is now a political decision, a decision where you're testing your health at every turn. In this case, friends all around me trying to get pregnant are scared to eat, scared to cook on certain surfaces, scared to breathe normal air and drink normal water. Rates of autism are skyrocketing; cancer is far from cured; incredible acts of terrorism are enacted seemingly monthly, while teenage school-shooters keep killing kids. America is doing many, many things wrong. And FOX News just keeps lying to people! WTF if going on?!

What are your favorite memories of being 35? Signing a book contract; being proposed to in Italy; the second year settling into my "new" 110-year-old home. Dancing with my husband at our wedding. Growing incredible gardens in a very tough climate. Being a respected (and feared!) professor.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I feel I've attained a healthy balance and maturity at 35. I had set the goal of becoming a college professor long ago—I didn't tell anyone, but I knew I wanted it in high school. And so the fruition of those dreams has been really sweet (and will be even sweeter with tenure next year). I feel I judge myself and others more fairly now. My bullshit meter for myself (and others) is more highly attuned, and at the same time, I know when I need to give myself a break. I think the key word here is balance. The yoga is paying off in more ways than one!

What did you like least about yourself at that age? I feel like I'm losing my passionate political edge. I still have a great critical cultural edge, but I'm less willing to drop everything and go to a political rally now. Or listen to Rage Against the Machine or Ani DiFranco just to scream for a while. It's kind of sad. I guess these are the normal trade-offs of having a great career, a house, a husband, trying for a family. My political beliefs haven't changed, but I'm less willing to go enact them, whatever the means. Maybe this means I'm becoming a middle-aged suburbanite. Yikes. But maybe it also means I've been able to make positive change where and how I wanted to—in the college classroom and in my writing. And that wipes me out. But I'd like to go scream sometimes, too.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I gained some perspective on the fraught relationship I've had with my mother over my life. Nothing is fixed, and I'm still hampered in some ways by the things she did (and didn't do), but I feel like I developed some clarity about her, and me, and my choices which were best for me. She took many of my big life choices as a personal insult (i.e., moving away from my home state, getting a PhD, becoming a professor, putting off a family). I realized at about 35 that what she wanted in me was her Mini-Me (and that's just not cool, man). Realizing that fact alone, as well as my (sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious) decisions to be the person and scholar *I* wanted to be has set me free in some new ways, although I haven't lived with or near her since I was 18. When and if I get to become a mother, my number-one goal is to help my kid become the good person s/he wants to be, not a cookie-cutter of me.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? Hmm. I think I probably thought I could have it all at this age: loving husband, home ownership, great career, kids. I've got the first three (after a massive, horrible hiccup with a shithead first husband), but not the last. Keeping balanced, happy, and all that jazz in all areas (the essence of the American Dream, no?) is crazy fucking hard, and a standard we shouldn't push ourselves to.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? How fucking hard it is to get pregnant and then keep a viable, healthy pregnancy. I realize I'm in the minority, but I had an ectopic pregnancy in July 2012, and had a (uterine) miscarriage at eight weeks nine months later. Both ended in catastrophic surgeries and long recoveries. Every friend of mine that is trying to get pregnant in their mid-thirties is having some kind of issue, usually more on the fertility/conception side of things than on the viability of the embryo side. It's debilitating. We all focused on our careers, as society prompts us to do, and so first and second pregnancies were delayed. Essentially, our biological clocks haven't kept up with society's changes, and it sucks.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Not much. I think I've made the best decisions I could make—knew myself and acted accordingly. At any age, I think I would try to go back and convince myself that my crappy body image garbage wasn't worth it. God, if I had only given it up decades ago…and if I could only FULLY give it up now.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? Be easy on yourself. Be fabulous. I'm fairly sure 35 is the sexiest we'll ever be.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? Make damn sure you're with a person that loves you and wants the best for you, that loves your body (even more than you do), and does little nice things just to make you happy. If you feel like you're dragging that person along in life, or if any of the above requirements are not fulfilled, RED ALERT. Drop that person NOW. It's SO much better, life-changing, really, to be in a relationship where all those items are met—with aplomb and with love and respect.