'If I could offer you only one tip for the future ...'

This morning on the radio there was a discussion about commencement speakers and how some conservatives were complaining about the liberal bent of speakers at the top universities in the country. The discussion made me think about the speaker at my college graduation ceremony (not a political figure and so terribly boring), speakers at other ceremonies I've attended (my brother had Nic Cage and he was incredible) and speeches from notables I've read or heard.

I don't remember political messages in any. I also don't remember much decent, practical advice in any of the speeches. Most follow the same "reach for the stars" theme. If the speeches aren't delivering good advice, what's the point? I graduated on a quite warm May morning, the sun climbing higher and higher in the sky, baking the graduates and their families as the speakers droned on for what felt like hours. Shouldn't I have gotten some pearls out of the deal?

Since I'm not a politician, celebrity or mega-successful businessperson, I'll probably never be asked to give a commencement speech. If some universal twist did offer me the opportunity, I'd go for honesty rather than generic inspiration because I think if you've made it through college, you've already learned some hard-won lessons and deserve the truth. I'd probably opt for something along the lines of the Daria's speech at her high school graduation:

"Um, thank you. I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise, my advice is: stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless logic and experience prove you wrong; remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked; the truth and a lie are not 'sort of the same thing'; and there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you."

I'd like graduates to know that failing isn't the end of the world. That it's OK to say no to any offer that you know won't be good for you in the long run. That constantly comparing yourself to and being jealous of other people will only hold you back. That sometimes you're going to be only one to tell yourself "good job." That the best decisions are often the toughest to make and the hardest for other people to understand. That dreams don't always come true. That life isn't always fair. That not getting what you want is sometimes the best thing for you. That only you can determine what will make you truly happy.

Even if I had been told all those things when I graduated, I probably wouldn't have listened. If I had listened, I'd have looked for the exceptions and loopholes. Of course, I knew better. Of course, my life was going to be different. It still could be.