'And Steal Away Our Destiny ...'

In 1997, I was a 20-year-old college student and pretty well broke, pulling together what money I had from a part-time job, an internship or the stipend I earned working too many hours on the school paper. Despite this, I went to some amazing concerts that year: Beck, Tina Turner and Cyndi Lauper, No Doubt and Weezer, Rollins Band, U2, INXS, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Violent Femmes, Almost Acoustic Christmas (featuring Save Ferris, Everclear, Sugar Ray, Green Day, David Bowie and others) and Aerosmith.

There'd be other years with far more shows, but 1997 was the year when going to concerts went from being a once-in-a-while treat to a year-round activity. That was also the year Michael Hutchence died and I learned the importance of taking advantage of the opportunities that are presented to you.

I wrote about that fantastic July evening at The Greek Theatre with INXS on my other blog last year, the excitement of hearing those songs live for the first time, of seeing Michael Hutchence work his magic, and of ending up face-to-face with the man after the show and losing the nerve to speak. I left the theater determined to get another chance to thank him for the music, the show, everything, but a few months later that chance was gone forever.

I think about that night from time to time, reminding myself of that lesson. Sadly, I haven't always lived that way, made the most of every moment, taken those sudden turns that transform an ordinary night into the stuff of legends.

This bit of a sabbatical I'm on does provide an excellent opportunity to live bigger and better than I have of late, to take chances, experiment, learn, grow and do all the things that will point me in the direction I should be headed.

That's another challenge, though; I'm still not sure where that is. I started reading Kevin Smith's "Tough Sh*t: Life Advice from a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good" for some laughs and, possibly, some inspiration from the man who brought me Ben Affleck. I'll be done with the book by the end of the day and have already gotten a few gems, such as this bit in chapter one:

"In the face of such hopelessness as our eventual, unavoidable death, there is little sense in not at least trying to accomplish all of your wildest dreams in life."

Makes total sense to me, except I'm having trouble expressing what my wildest dreams are. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? Where am I headed? When will I know the answers to any of these questions?

I've got some thinking to do and adventures to have.

'Just Stuck Inside the Groove'

This past week I ran into some people I hadn't seen in a while, people who didn't know I was currently jobless.

"So have you been?"
Eh ….

"What's new?"
Um …

Yeah, it's awkward. I don't know what to say and they don't know how to react. It's like when you see an old acquaintance who asks about the boyfriend you broke up with, the friend you're no longer speaking to, the relative who died—they don't know they've hit a sore spot, they're just curious about your life.

After more than two months, I naively thought that everybody did know I'd been laid off and that I wouldn't have to tell the story anymore. I realize now that there's no way of guaranteeing that any news, good or bad, will be properly spread to every single person in your life, so I have to be prepared to give the updates and answer the questions, even when I don't feel like it.

As I've written before, I've been overwhelmed by a gracious outpouring ever since I learned I'd be losing my job. I've been recommended for jobs, sent listings, received notes of love and encouragement, and gotten more hugs, handshakes, smiles and nods than I can count. All of that has meant so much to me but there are still times when I want to close in and shut down, when I succumb to solipsism, am overtaken by doubt, do battle with self-pity, and just want to be left alone.

I feel like the worst person in the world at those times.

I want help except when I don't. I want to talk about it except when I can't. There are times when I want to unload everything, dissect the minute whys and hows, and somehow arrive at the purpose of this experience; other times I want to forget it and just talk about anything else.

As positive, as hopeful, as confident as I can be, I do sometimes feel that I don't wear all this as well as I could, and I'm sorry for that.

Someone who wears most things much better than I ever could is Russell Brand. He's hosting a charity gig tomorrow night to raise money to help people addicted to drugs and alcohol get the help they need. In this diary entry he talks about how his own struggle pushes him to help others. It's an incredibly worthwhile read.

'I'm Dead-On for 35'

John Mayer has been a bit off-the-radar for the past two years, first going underground after shooting his mouth off a bit too much in interviews and then going into seclusion as he recovered from two vocal cord procedures. His voice is nearly healed now so he's begun making public appearances, including doing an interview for this past weekend's "CBS Sunday Morning."

In the interview, John Mayer (who I only refer to by full name, FYI) was asked about the infamous interviews, the tabloids, his relationships, his health and his music (which, sadly, gets overshadowed too often by the other things on this list). He talked about the lessons he's learned over the past few years and said, "I wish that I grew up a year for every year of my life, but I didn't, I stopped for a certain period of time and I was 24 for six years, or whatever, and then the log jam cleared. I'm dead-on for 35."

I wish I could be that sure of myself at this age. Whatever the physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual and material markers a person's supposed have at 35, today, watching that interview, hearing John Mayer say that, I don't feel I can say that for myself.

I've never lied about my age because I never saw the need to. Now when I tell someone how old I am, I'll admit that I feel a bit embarrassed because I don't think I've lived up to it. I want to be able to declare myself, my age, my accomplishments, my situation without apology. Hopefully I won't have to go to the lengths or through the trials that John Mayer to get there.

You can watch the complete "CBS Sunday Morning" interview here.

'But Enough About Me …'

I wouldn't be a good salesperson. I don't have the confidence to make cold calls or to approach strangers and convince them to spend money on something I'd be representing. Armed with this self-knowledge, I've stayed on the editorial side of publishing and avoided the advertising side as much as possible.

Being in the job market, though, requires that I become my own sales representative. I believe in myself and have confidence in my abilities, but putting that across in a cover letter or during an interview isn't easy for me because I'd much rather show that I know how to do something than talk about my skills.

I joke around about how awesome I am and what a total rock star I can be. I sometimes even believe those things a little but I could never sit across from a hiring manager and say those things with a straight face. I know that finding a new kick-ass job requires a bit of that posturing and I'm afraid of falling short, of becoming flustered or shy or anxious and not being able to convince the person, or people, interviewing me that I can do the job done better than they thought it could be done, even when I know it's true.

My challenge is to figure out a way to confidently and graciously talk myself up without sounding like a total blowhard. Once I master that, I think I'll end up in the best job for me.

'You Know It's Such a Trip'

When I started this blog last summer, my intention was to post every Wednesday. There were weeks when I missed the Wednesday but still managed to post something each week. I've been slacking lately, though, and am about two weeks late on this installment.

I haven't found a new job but have tried to find as many things to keep me busy as possible. I'm in the early stages of a big project for AWF, am sending out as many resumes as I can and have been volunteering in a friend's kindergarten class. I also created a mix to push me forward when I need it.

The 18-track set, "Get Up!", was very fun to put together and even more fun to listen to. It contains:

Gwen Stefani "What You Waiting For?"
Madonna "Jump"
Spice Girls "Who do You Think You Are?"
The Pretenders "Middle of the Road"
No Doubt "Settle Down"
U2 "I'll Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight"
The Vines "Get Free"
INXS "Kick"
Madonna "Over and Over"
Jimmy Eat World "The Middle"
No Doubt, Busy Signal & Major Lazer "Push and Shove"
U2 "Breathe"
Madonna, Kanye West & Pharrell Williams "Beat Goes On"
Elvis Costello "Pump It Up"
Destiny's Child "Survivor"
U2 "All Because of You"
Madonna "Turn up the Radio"
The Proclaimers "I'm on My Way"

I'll let you know where these songs and my to-do list lead me.

'Here I Go Again'

Even though I have loner tendencies, I don't believe that anyone makes it through this world on their own. We all have heroes and champions, people who paved our way through their actions, assistance, encouragement or, sometimes, discouragement.

I write today's entry in an empty house. The only interaction I've had today, aside from online, is with my dog. That doesn't mean I'm on my own. Over the last couple of weeks, so many people have reached out to share their experiences, to let me know how they made it through their periods of joblessness, pretty much all for the better.

Mike, this week's contributor, is one of those gracious people. Since turning 35, Mike reported the following major milestones in his life:

1. Moved in with my gf
2. Broke up with my gf and moved out
3. Lived overseas for 2.5 months
4. Traveled to Europe and Japan a few times
5. Launched a brand new cable network in 2007, one which is going very strongly still. I no longer work there, I quit, but, I am proud of how well it did/is doing.

Your name (first name and last initial) Mike F.

What year did you turn 35? 2005

Where were you living then? Redondo Beach, California

What were you doing then (working, going to school, raising kids, etc.)? Working

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35 (got married, bought a house, moved to a new city, started a new job, etc.)? No major milestones.

What major events happened in the world that year? London Underground terrorist bombing, Saddam Hussein's trial, Hurricane Katrina, Israeli Troops left Gaza, Pope John Paul II died ....

What are your favorite memories of being 35? No one specific thing. Life was good for me then. I liked my job, loved where I lived, had great friends, etc., much like now.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I liked how I was becoming a better and more mature adult. More generous, thoughtful. I liked that I had accumulated a track record in life, could look back and see where I was strong, weak, etc. But, mostly, I just liked that I had turned out to be a down-to-earth, well-adjusted and productive person, one whose family and friends could rely upon.

What did you like least about yourself at that age? Still a little too sarcastic at that stage of my life. And a little too eager to argue about little, meaningless things.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? None that I can recall, it was seven years ago. It was mostly a normal year for me.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? That age is a number and that it's all in your mind, tell that to my body after a day of playing sports.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? That I didn't feel old at all.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? I'd let the little things slide.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? Let the little things slide. Seriously, life's too short to stand on ceremony or be spiteful for spite's sake, be the one who smoothes things over, who takes the high road, etc..not at the cost of being a doormat, of course, but, don't let ego or pride undo good things.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? Not really. I wish I had some sort of amazing series of stories about turning 35 but it really was just another good year in a stretch of good years from age 25–38 or so.

'Off You Go'

Last month I declared seeing Morrissey in concert my big resolution for 2013. Even as I typed it, I knew that resolution was a bit of a cop-out, but I had no idea how quickly that goal could become both ridiculous and, potentially, unobtainable.

I'm about to start my second week of unemployment, my second week with no job to go, no commute to undertake, no idea of how to spend my time. I've made a lengthy to-do list chocked full of super-fun things like cleaning out my drawers and ironing all my wrinkled clothes (I loathe ironing) knowing that I have to keep as busy as possible so I don't sink into being the absolutely worst of myself—lazy, lethargic, hopeless, antisocial, nothing.

Finding a new job, a better job, a job I love, a job I can grow in, excel at is, of course, at the top of my list. The sooner I accomplish that, the sooner I can leave that to-do list behind and the sooner, maybe, I can find myself at Morrissey's show.