'I'm Never Really Ready'

I started a project for my other blog earlier this year where I've been listening to every CD in my collection in order. This week, I'm listening to my John Mayer CDs, which is somewhat fortuitous considering he turned 35 yesterday. If I knew how, I'd send him a questionnaire in 364 days.

I don't have one all-time-favorite John Mayer song but many, many contenders, one of which is "In Repair," featuring the line I used for this week's post title. I was listening to that song last night when I was thinking about what my friend Ethan, the first man to contribute to this site, wrote about being 35.

As you'll read below, Ethan suffered two terrible losses when he turned 35, losses he wasn't prepared for but dealt with better than he probably imagined he could. I think that's such an important part of growing up, building the strength and the smarts to do or say the right thing at the right time even if we're not sure we can.

Since he turned 35, Ethan began the process of opening his own law office. His younger sister became the first person on his dad's side, and only the second person in his entire family, to go from high school straight to a four-year university. She's now in her third year and Ethan said, "Words cannot describe how proud I am of her."

He served as the "maid of honor" at the wedding of one of his best friends, which he said was one of the happiest of most wonderful days of his life. Ethan also saw his fifth U2 tour on which he attended his 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th and 17th shows by the band, more than any other band or artist he's ever followed.

Your name (first name and last initial) Ethan Y.

What year did you turn 35? 2009

Where were you living then? The first part of the year I lived in Orange County [,California]. Three weeks after I turned 35, I moved away from Orange County for the first time in my adult life. OK, so really I only moved just up the 405 to Long Beach, but still . . .

What were you doing then? Professionally? I was an unemployed lawyer scraping through the recession and holding on for dear life. Emotionally? Well, kind of the same—except redact "an unemployed lawyer" and instead of "the recession," insert "death". Physically? I got a white hair in my left eyebrow. I should have never plucked it!

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35? For me, 35 was overshadowed and all encompassed by the death of both of my paternal grandparents; the first, my Grandpa, passed away just nine days after my 35th birthday, and then my Grandma followed him, seven months and two hours after the day my Grandpa passed on. They were the only two people I ever really considered my Grandpa and Grandma. I am sure some other stuff happened to me that year, but it all pretty much falls by the wayside in comparison.

What major events happened in the world that year? Earthquake in Haiti, tsunami in Chile, BP Gulf oil spill, Winter Olympics (which I did not watch), the Wikileaks scandal (which I found fascinating) and Greece's economy nearly collapsed after being downgraded by the S&P to "junk." Do we ever remember anything good and happy in world events?

What are your favorite memories of being 35? What stands out most in my mind is how my "Y." family banded together during crisis and loss. I had an immense sense of "family" that year, even though we lost the patriarch and matriarch of our family. And, I must say, I'm quite proud of my family for coming together and looking out for each other and not being one of those families at the ready to jump into the blood arena at the mere scent of impending death.
In between nadirs of sadness, I did get an outer rail spot to U2 360 in Vegas and was mere feet away from my lifelong hero, Bono. I also got into the inner circle—and almost into some fisticuffs—at the (crazy!) Rose Bowl show. I stood on the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time. I went to Portland for the first time (and Powell Books—ah-mazing!). And, I had a really great weekend at Long Beach GLBT Pride with a boy I liked and my roommates—lots and lots of fun . . . in all different volumetric sizes.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? A couple things. One being that I felt like, through our family tragedy, I rose to the occasion as a good son, brother, nephew, cousin and grandson. I felt, really for the first time, like a man. The sadness and grief dealt to my Dad and my Aunt challenged me to be strong and be supportive, a buttress for my family; and I feel that I performed those responsibilities quite well. Second, as hard as it was, I was still surviving and making it on my own. Recession be damned!

What did you like least about yourself at that age? My career was not as I had ever envisioned.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I felt a magnitude of loss and heartbreak that I had never experienced, ever in my life.
I felt death.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? I think I had a lot of the same misconceptions as many others in my generation. I thought I would be a big, grown-up adult by the time I was 35, with a "wife" (husband), a house, kids, two dogs, a cat and a 2.5 car garage, etc., and that certainly was not the case.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? I made a lot of new friends at 35—"Blue Crack" friends and non-U2 friends. I've always made friends easily, but it was the depths of these friendships that surprised me—perhaps, because I was making friends as an adult with adults. Nonetheless, these bonds seemed stronger. These were not like the friendships of my youth.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Had I known that my visit in the hospital with my Grandpa that whole, entire day was going to be the last time I would ever spend with him alive, I would have read him my heart and clung to him for dear life. In an equal vein, in my last, articulate dialogue with my Grandma, less than 10 days before her passing, I wouldn't have held back out of fear of pointing out her rapidly failing health to her, and I would have told her that she was the most good, most pure, most devoted, most loving, best, ABSOLUTE BEST, person I ever had the privilege and honor to know in my entire 35 years of this world. To this day, I do believe that she knew how I felt, but still, I would have said it to her.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? It's almost the perfect age. You're old enough to not be young and immature, but you're still young enough to be energetic and vital. Life still has lots of surprises in store for you. As the musicians are apt to say when the muse arrives and musician and music are in perfect synchronicity: You're in the pocket.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? A eulogy on my year of death: To this day it still blows my mind how the death of his parents brought unexpected patience, understanding, and calmness to my father. He and I had always had a somewhat contentious relationship. I knew he loved me, but was never sure that he actually liked me. "Like father, like son" really ate at him. It angered him all the ways I am like him, especially in my failings and imperfections . . . and handling anger (and emotions) is probably his greatest imperfection. Instead of dealing with and letting go of his anger, he always deflected and aimed it at me. But the death of his parents rattled him to his core. Both of us were blessed and had lived our entire lives without ever experiencing loss like the loss of Grandpa and Grandma. It changed him. I believe it made him understand in a new way the value and importance of his family. He had always been there for us: provided for us, cared for us, loved us. But after death, he let go of anger for us. In the few years since my Grandparents' passing, my Dad has become much softer, more mellow and, for him, much more affectionate. I'm sure age has played a part in the mellowing of his stormy seas, but I think the greater affecting factor was the loss of his parents. I still marvel at how much he has changed. No, he's not all the way there, and I think he will always have angry seas that live inside of him, but nowadays, they're more like choppy wading pools.