'…There Is a Season'

Last week I learned that I would be losing my job. I've had time to process that development, think about what I'm going to do next, and have been inundated with kind words, hugs, pats on the shoulder, high-fives and more generous outpouring than I can properly describe.

I will always appreciate it.

While dealing with this news, I got this week's questionnaire back from Charlotte, a former coworker who was laid off when she was 35. As many times as I've heard that this happened for a reason and that things will get better, I definitely appreciated hearing from someone who, four years later, is living proof.

Your name Charlotte J.

What year did you turn 35? 2008

Where were you living then? California

What were you doing then (working, going to school, raising kids, etc.)? Married with no children, and working super long hours at my job.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35 (got married, bought a house, moved to a new city, started a new job, etc.)? That year was not my happiest. In short: We had a death in the family (my father-in-law). I got laid off. I had to look for a new job in the midst of the Great Recession. But it wasn't all bad: That was the year we decided (finally—and after seven years of marriage), "Let's have a baby!"

What major events happened in the world that year? Two memorable events come to mind: President Obama won his first term in office, and the US Airways plane landed on the Hudson.

What are your favorite memories of being 35? First, losing my job—a definite highlight of my life (fast forward two questions for the reason why). Financial worries aside, I will always remember the absolute, unbounded joy bursting from my heart as I left that building for the last time: I felt free. I also traveled overseas for the second time—at first we thought of cancelling, since I had just lost my job and we were so used to living on two incomes, but the tickets were paid for so we went anyway. My husband and I shared an amazing vacation, just the two of us in my favorite place, even though we were grappling with the realization that starting a family wasn't going to happen in a "pinch" just because we wanted a baby. It was going to be a scary and exhilarating rollercoaster with some major ups and downs. Lastly, the year I was 35, we also adopted a kitten who has grown into a wonderfully sensitive, hilarious, cuddly and sweet tomcat.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I felt strong and focused. The layoff allowed me to really live each day with purpose and not feel trapped in a negative corporate situation. I was able to take on more freelance business and work on my novel. I could spend more hours helping my sister build her amazing business. I made it a point to visit my out-of-town family for longer stretches of time than I ever could before. I could go to the beach for inspiration at 2 p.m. on a weekday. And when my doctor suggested IVF for me because of my age, I knew deep inside that route wasn't for me. Of course everyone is different, but I trusted my intuition and wanted to give it a couple more years on my terms. I wasn't in this enormous rush to have a baby, and I truly felt deep within that it would happen if I just relaxed and "let be."

What did you like least about yourself at that age? When I turned 35, I was unhappy in my career despite a big promotion. The job that I once enjoyed had evolved under new management and turned into a toxic work environment. I wasn't happy there anymore and needed a change. That was a difficult time for me, and I was incredibly stressed.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? The lesson that… you should never be emotionally attached to your job. Unless you own your own business, someone else is in charge of your destiny, and it doesn't necessarily matter how hard you work or your level of dedication.
The lesson of … patience. Well-meaning friends and family, and even doctors can make you feel like something is wrong if you don't pop out a baby a year after "starting." Not allowing this to get to me despite certain challenges allowed me to live my life, be happy, and just enjoy this time without feeling pressured or letting it darken my psyche.
The lesson of … cherishing today. We all know this, but sometimes we forget. My father-in-law died that January after Christmas. We had all just gathered in the Midwest for the holidays (despite me complaining to my husband, "I'm too stressed to pull this trip off! Let's go next year instead!"). I am SO HAPPY my husband gently convinced me to keep our commitment and go. It was fun, family bonding time—and was also the last time I saw my husband's father alive. Just a few weeks later we were meeting up in a foreign country, working with the U.S. consulate to bring his remains home.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? I didn't realize how young inside I would still feel. As a teenager, I thought 30 was "old." Thirty-five was even worse—ancient and middle aged—you don't know what's on the top 40 music charts anymore (not true! … well, pretty much). I thought that "mom jeans" and Reeboks would be wardrobe staples. I thought I'd have a teenager by 35; instead I was just starting!

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? The age itself didn't surprise me, but I was surprised to face so many setbacks in one year. There were some dark days. The good thing, which isn't all that surprising, is that eventually things (usually) will get better. And they did.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? It would be nice to tell myself and trust, "It will all work out."

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-old women? To make your personal goals happen and don't wait. If you want to travel but feel like you can't, there are creative ways to make it happen. If you want a baby, consider all your options and don't put it off too long if at all possible. At 35 you still feel like you have so much time … but it slips away quickly. Of course everyone is different, but it took me more than three years from "Let's have a baby!" to actually hearing his first adorable cries in the delivery room. And don't obsess over aging! I tell myself all the time: You will never be as young as you are today. Someday, when you actually are old, you will look back at being 35 (or 40, or even 50) and you will know that you truly were still young (ish) and you looked great. Aging is a gift to be cherished … especially when compared to the alternative. A friend recently told me to think of wrinkles as reminders of all the times I have laughed in my life. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I find humor all around me and laugh A LOT!