‘It’s Time to Make My Way’

Next week, I turn 38. Where has the time gone? It doesn’t seem possible that it’s been three years since I started this project (or 20 years since I graduated high school, as the impending reunion has made clear).

I started this blog because 35 felt huge to me. That age, more than 25 or 30, had weight to it. As each day takes me further from that milestone, I haven’t yet grasped why that number stuck out but do know that it was an important age and that the things that happened to me when I was 35 created ripples that I still feel to this day, and likely will for years to come.

In the nearly two years since I last posted, I’ve gone from getting by with a string of part-time and freelance gigs (that I loved and appreciated more than I can properly express) to having a full-time job with benefits and an office and regular hours and the whole nine yards.

I’m weeks away from my one-year anniversary and filled with immense gratitude every day. I don’t think I’ll ever lose the warm feeling I get whenever I pay a bill.

I’m grateful but not complacent. A few months ago we went through layoffs. I was on the other side of the table this time but my heart raced when the announcement was made. It was a harsh reminder not to get lazy, not to take anything for granted.

I could have easily been given the box that day but because of what I’ve been through, I know that if I did, I would make it through. It would be miserable for a bit but not insurmountable.

That was the lesson I learned at 35, a lesson I appreciate every day, even on the days when I need a reminder. For every problem, there’s a solution. Take a breath, I’ll figure it out.

Even with that lesson learned, with progress being made, I do still feel like I have so much catching up to do, like I’m not quite at the point I should be at this age. It’s somewhat reassuring to know that very few people do. My challenge, though, is to push past that, to challenge myself to do more while also accepting myself when I can’t.

It’s a worthwhile endeavor. I’ll let you know how I’m doing when I’m prepping for 39 next year.

'It Sways and It Swings and It Bends'

It's been nearly four months since my 36th birthday and last entry in this blog. I'm still on the job hunt. I've found seasonal retail work and a freelance assignment, thankfully, but am on edge as Congress debates whether or not to maintain extended unemployment benefits.

Regardless of what happens, I know I'll get through it. That's one of the great lessons I learned at age 35.

My friend Nichole is also reckoning with that same hard-earned lesson. Like me, she recently turned 36. And, like me, her past year was a tough one. And a great one. She says it all so much better than I could, so I'll let her tell you the story of her life at 35.

Your name (first name and last initial): Nichole G.

What year did you turn 35? 2012

Where were you living then? Long Beach, California

What were you doing then? Working 12–14 hour days running our family yogurt shop.

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35? I had a year filled with high highs and very low lows. We lost my dear cousin and business partner to a long battle with cancer. Her passing struck me hard because we were close friends as well as cousins—we were like sisters. I've lost people before in my life, but she was the closest—I still find myself wanting to text her or go have a movie night with her. Yet, as a testament to how poetic life is, it was around this sad time that my husband and I were able to take the trip of a lifetime to Alaska. We had an amazing vacation, cruising into beautiful country and experiencing the grandeur of nature. It was a blessed trip, from start to finish and in retrospect, I see it was vital to my physical and spiritual health. God knew I would need that respite. That's the only way I can explain the timing of it.

What major events happened in the world that year? Without checking back—what sticks out to me is the 2012 election. Barack Obama was re-elected—I was happy about that, but I was elated to see Senator Elizabeth Warren elected in 2012.

What are your favorite memories of being 35? I remember vignettes—our trip to Alaska was one big one. Getting to spend time with my dear cousin before she passed. And moments with my parents (they would come and help me at the store, weekly) and I cherished that time with them. I realized, even in the midst of the stress of the business, that it was a unique and special gift that I was able to spend so much time with my parents during my workday—and that the business happened to be 5 minutes from their house.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I liked that I was able to see real growth in myself. I started going to therapy when I was 34, for the first time in my life, and continued after I turned 35. It really helped me to see why I was the way I was, what my coping mechanisms were, how to sit with my feelings, how to be honest with myself, how to get to the core of what was really going on when I was feeling angry or frustrated or lashing out. I still have a long way to go, but I feel stronger and better prepared to deal with things now. And in my experiences working in my own business, I've grown by leaps and bounds. I've faced challenges I've never before faced, given more time and effort to something than ever before and learned what I'm made of. I feel like I'm harder to knock down than I was before.

What did you like least about yourself at that age? I didn't like how easy it was to fall back into bad habits. With all my emotional growth, I would still find myself backsliding into old behaviors, old coping mechanisms. It would be like one step forward, two steps back (not to paraphrase Paula Abdul too much).

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I learned how short life is and how important it is to live and to be brave and to do the things you want to do. I know it's a cliché, and it's a lesson I've learned before, but there was a clarity this year: realizing my beautiful cousin was only 15 years older than me when she passed. I realized how much of my life I've spent waiting for things to happen, waiting for things to get better, waiting for me to be better and at 35 I know that's pointless. None of us knows how long we have here—and I decided I didn't want to waste any more time.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? I thought I would have it all together by that age. I never realized how young and inexperienced I would still feel at times.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? That I'm still just me. I didn't magically turn wiser or "grow up" or reach a particular epiphany when I turned 35. That milestone ages are still just ages. If it gets us to reflect on our path, that's good—but I think we should be reflecting on our path anyway.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? I would be kinder to myself. And I would take better care of my body. When I was 35, I had a very bad episode with my back—I was spending too many hours at the store (during our slow season) and really sacrificed my health to the altar of my business. It sounds almost too literal, but I really think the weight of my business was bearing down on me. I was at the shop 6 days a week, 14 hours a day (2 days/week, completely alone), stressing about money all the time, and it crunched my back. I had a really bad two months where I was in a lot of pain and a few weeks when I could barely walk. We had to close the store one day because I was the only one who could work—and I couldn't walk. My back is better now, but it hasn't fully healed—I still have residual effects from that episode. That was sobering and scary and I realized that the business, as important as it was to me, was not more important than my health. Since then, I've made choices with that in mind. It's still hard—but knowing what happened last year has made me more conscious of my needs. A term I learned in therapy: self-care. I'm still learning how to do it, but it's starting with me being honest about my needs, for really the first time in my life.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? If you haven't already, start being present in your life today. Feel this moment, be awake to yourself and to the world around you. I felt like I traveled in a haze through most of my 20s and early 30s. Like I was always waiting for something, always worried about something, always fearful and fretting about something—and not being present in that moment. I think my memory of those times is hazy because I wasn't really there—I was off in my own neuroses, obsessing about something else. I feel like we're conditioned to go to high school, go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids—that's not the path for everyone. And even if it is your path, even if you want those things, you may come to them in different order. I think we have to make peace with that. I know we're fighting a biological clock (which is a whole other article), but if you're 35, live in the moment. Look around. Breathe. Look up. Get in touch with your spirit and the universe around you. The advice holds for any age, but that is what's helping me now at the wise age of 36!

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? This year was one of the hardest of my life, but it held some of the most beautiful and rare moments as well. I know I would not have chosen to go through these dark times; I think it's human nature to want everything to be sunny and happy and easy. But after going through this difficult time and learning from it and growing because of it, I see that it was worth it. I needed these changes and realizations and lessons. I think it's like school—most of us don't like to write papers or take tests—but we usually come out of them better on the other side. Remember that when you're being tested. Remember that when you're in the darkness and you will even more fully enjoy and embrace the light.

'You Turn the Key'

I'm now 36 and two days old, and have been thinking for the last few days what I would share in this final entry about what I saw, did, thought, learned and felt during my 35th year, something I could add beyond what I already shared in this blog. What does it all mean? What is 35 all about?

For me, 35 has been about keeping busy, taking chances, putting myself out there, making lists, crossing fingers, hearing yes, hearing no, hearing nothing, pushing ahead. It's been about developing more trust in myself, my actions and my reactions. It's been about having faith in my intelligence, intuition, talent and skills. It's been about having the confidence to say, "Pick me, I'm the one" and then saying it again and again and again and again and again until someone says, "Yes, you're the one" back. It's about knowing I'll survive if no one does.

Thirty-five was nothing like what I thought it would be. There were times when I didn't feel grown-up enough, I didn't feel accomplished enough, I didn't feel enough enough. Does anyone?

This year I learned that I won't get anything I want if I spend my time obsessing over what I don't have. This year I learned that I have to open myself up more so I can get more, have more and be more. This year I learned that I have the skills, the tools, the experiences, the insights and the intuition to handle any situation. This year I learned I always had all those things, I just didn't trust that I did.

Being 36, 37, 38 and everything beyond that, I have to trust myself more, trust that I will make the right move, say the right thing and make the right decision. I also have to trust that when something goes wrong, I can get through it, maybe even for the better.

What year did you turn 35? 2012

Where were you living then? Southern California

What were you doing then (working, going to school, raising kids, etc.)? I was working for a magazine and serving on AWF's board, then …

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35 (got married, bought a house, moved to a new city, started a new job, etc.)? I was laid off from my job in December.

What major events happened in the world that year? Barack Obama and Joe Biden were reelected, Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast, the military took over in Egypt, birthday mate Ben Affleck wasn't nominated for a director Oscar but won everything else, Hillary Clinton stepped down as Secretary of State and was succeeded by John Kerry, Prince George of Cambridge was born, Prop 8 and DOMA were struck down by the Supreme Court, Clarence Thomas spoke for the first time during Supreme Court oral arguments in seven years, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosted the Golden Globes, Seth MacFarlane tap danced with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe at the Oscars (one of the most adorable moments ever), the Boston Marathon bombings, the Zimmerman trial, the sequester …

What are your favorite memories of being 35? Reconnecting with my college friend Sam and seeing Henry Rollins in Sacramento with her; visiting Maggie in Washington DC, touring the city and finally going to Africare's Bishop Walker Dinner; going to Madonna with Carrie; getting an Arizona Matchbook Co. matchbook from a "Community" crew member at CommuniCon; going to No Doubt with my brother; watching Joel McHale and Jim Rash tango at PaleyFest; hearing Elvis Costello perform "Veronica" after more than 20 years of waiting; watching Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt perform "5,000 Candles in Wind" at Royce Hall; White Tantric; Russell Brand's leather jacket; any time spent with the kids watching movies, listening to girl or boy music, having fun; meeting Nick Hornby; my Gramma's 99th birthday; the Ben Affleck movie night/slumber party; Green Day at the Fox Theater; #mayersback; starting and continuing this blog; the kindness, love and best wishes I got after being laid off

What did you like best about yourself at that age? I was more confident and able to handle life in a stronger, more graceful way than I had when I was younger.

What did you like least about yourself at that age? Too many days feeling so far from where I wanted to be.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? That I knew what to do, that I knew what to say, that I knew how to act and react, I just had to have to faith in myself that I could do the right thing. I also learned the importance of being open to opportunities, adventures, relationships, the universe in general.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? That it meant I was too late, that I'd missed too many opportunities.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? Through reading everyone's contributions, I saw how often being 35 was the start of something new, big, unexpected.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Overall, I feel pretty good about what I did at 35, but I do think there are times when I could have done more, tried harder, pushed further and been more open.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? Trust yourself. You're smarter than you give yourself credit. You're stronger than you give yourself credit. You've made it through 35 years of life, faced and overcame so many challenges, so you can do it, whatever it is, you can do it.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? I want to thank all of my contributors: my mom; my guinea pigs Maggie and Lori; my sister-in-law (and birthday mate) Carrie; my cousin Donna; my aunt Kristen; my hero Erica; my teacher Nelann; my mentors Joni, Maria and Karen; my old workmates Michelle and Charlotte; and the guys, Ethan, Mike and Carlos. Thank you for writing, thank you for sharing, thank you for everything. And thanks to all of you for reading.

The Final Countdown

Today is The Edge's 52nd birthday. It's also one week until my 36th birthday and final entry in this blog.

The time has definitely flown by.

I want to do something fun each of these seven days, so I'm off to "This Is the End" in a few minutes, after having an interview earlier today, and am going to a special preview screening of "Austenland" tomorrow. One of the most-exciting things on my calendar is my niece's sixth birthday this weekend.

For my birthday, I'm hoping to raise $100 for the African Well Fund's admin fund, helping the nonprofit cover for all the non-glamorous expenses like printing, shipping and insurance. I'm so grateful for the donations I've already received ($70 to date). If you'd like to make a donation, please click here. Thank you!

'Eyes on Your Own Paper'

Over and over in yoga class we're told not to worry about what other people in class are doing, that yoga isn't a competitive exercise but instead about our own experience. It doesn't matter if someone else can stretch further or hold a pose longer, what's important is doing your best.

That principle applies off the mat as well. This week I had to take a timed test in the same room as about a dozen other people. As I tried to focus on the directions and create a strategy for tackling each assignment, I found myself distracted by the actions of my fellow test-takers. Are they already typing? Should I be further along? Are they already finished? Am I taking too long?

When I left, I was afraid that focusing too much on what someone else was doing had prevented me from doing my very best. In competitive situations, the only variable I control is me and I have to remember that.

I smiled reading through my aunt's contribution when I saw that she learned this same lesson when she was 35.

Your name (first name and last initial) Kristen F. S.

What year did you turn 35? 1985

Where were you living then? Glendale, California

What were you doing then? I had decided to be a stay-at-home mom. I had two young sons, ages 5 and 2, and was pregnant with my third child (who, thankfully, was a girl).

What big personal milestones happened when you were 35? It was a huge decision for me to not continue with my career at that time. I have a master's degree in gerontology and had achieved a fairly high level of success working in long-term care communities. I felt that I had a very special gift for working with older people. With our second child, my plan was to just take a few years off. Finding good daycare was difficult and I wanted to provide the absolute best for my children. But when we had our "surprise" third child, I knew in my heart that I could not do my best at work and at home, and I always wanted to do my best, so I began my fulfilling but sometimes frustrating journey of raising children for several years. Professional endeavors were as a volunteer.

What major events happened in the world that year? As you might imagine, with three young children, world events were not foremost on my mind, so I had to go to Wikipedia to research major events for 1985. And guess what?? In 1985, there were multiple terrorist attacks (in Northern Ireland and in the Mideast), several airplane crashes, a huge spy scandal—sound familiar??—and it was the second inauguration of Mr. Ronald Reagan. Guess it doesn't matter who is president. Oh, and the big technology advancement was the introduction of the video game Tetris. Have you heard of that?

What are your favorite memories of being 35? It may be hard to believe, but my absolute favorite memory of being 35 is that I was pregnant. I was one of the lucky women who didn't have morning sickness, didn't gain more than the appropriate amount of weight and actually looked quite pretty. I know—obnoxious! But the reason that this is my favorite memory is that people are SO nice to you when you are pregnant, not just friends and relatives, but people at the grocery store, at all errands-related locations and on the street. I remember smiles, offers of help, compliments—what could be better? I guess I should also mention that my two little boys were challenging—but very cute—another nice memory.

What did you like best about yourself at that age? What I liked best about being 35 is that I no longer compared myself to other people. I grew up with a feeling of always having to live up to my older sisters. In school, I was always striving to do as well as the smartest people in the class. At work, I was trying to prove that I was worthy of the opportunities that were offered to me. Somehow, by 35, I was released from those constant comparisons and was just happy to be myself.

What did you like least about yourself at that age? Although I no longer compared myself to others, I did still have an element of self-doubt—my own self-imposed burden. For this reason, I decided to not return to my career for several years—not even part-time—because I didn't believe that I could raise three kids and excel at work at the same time.

What were the biggest lessons you learned at that age? I learned patience, sacrifice, perseverance, creativity and unconditional love.

What were the biggest misconceptions you had about being 35? I don't think I really had any particular expectations or attitudes about being 35. One lesson that I had already learned in my studies of gerontology is that chronological age is not really that important. How you are living your life is all that matters.

What was the most surprising thing about being 35? I guess I was somewhat surprised that we were having a third child—I was never someone who planned when I would marry, how many kids I would have, etc. The other surprise would be (in hindsight) that being 35 was not surprising—it was just another year with multiple opportunities to live life well.

If you could go back to that age knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? I would definitely blend my life as a wife and mother with my life as a professional with reasonable expectations of both. I don't really believe in "having it all" but now I do think it would have been possible "to have some of many things." Perfection is not a healthy goal.

What advice can you offer to other 35-year-olds? Don't focus on your age. Focus on your strengths, your personal well-being and your dreams. It doesn't matter what our society thinks you should be doing—it only matters that you are doing what you want to do.

Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experiences being 35? The only other words I want to share (again, hindsight) is that if you are focusing on being 35, know this—you are so young!! And you have decades ahead of you to reach your goals and fulfill your dreams! Enjoy the journey!!

'Captured My Imagination'

Sixteen years ago my brother took me to see the new movie from the guy who made "Clerks" and "Mallrats." With that first viewing of "Chasing Amy," I became a life-long Kevin Smith fan.

Earlier this year, I read Smith's latest book (which I wrote a bit about here), which reinforces the message he shares in most of his talks, podcasts and whatnot—to follow your dreams. This week, Smith posted a long entry on his blog about following his latest dream, in this case turning a story he and producing partner Scott Mosier talked about on their podcast into a quickly hammered-out screenplay into a movie that will being shooting this fall.

To sum up, he wrote, "The moral of the story, kids? Chase every dopey dream you ever have, so long as it doesn't involve hurting or killing anybody. You never know where it will lead you."

At nearly 36, I'm trying to do that more, to follow through on any of the millions of little ideas that have spun through my head and turn them into reality. I'm currently filling up a notebook with the beginnings of something. I've also decided what project I'm going to start once I end this project in a few weeks.

I don't know what will come of any of this but the act of putting pen to paper, of seeing words fill a page, of the ideas moving from my head out into the physical world is so exciting. Stay tuned.

'Some Have Gone & Some Remain'

A burger place I used to go to all the time in high school has closed. I was sad to the see that the sign had changed, even though I hadn't eaten there in years.

I think that happens a lot, people lamenting the loss of a once-treasured thing that they haven't thought about or visited in ages. I roll my eyes when I read about throngs of people flocking to get their last meal from some local favorite restaurant that's closing down after falling on hard times—if everyone loved the place so much, business wouldn't have dipped and the place wouldn't need to close.

This impulse isn't saved only for places, it also happens with relationships. "We really should get together more often" is one of my least-favorite phrases. Like with the burger place, if you value a relationship, put the time in, pay a visit, make a call, do something.

Part of getting older means saying goodbye to places and relationships that once meant so much to you. Some of those partings are dramatic and traumatic that you're left with scars, while others happen so gradually and so easily that you barely notice the loss.

I'm not sure which is worse, knowing you're going to lose something that matters or realizing much later that it's long gone. I would like to have more control in both situations though, to make more of an effort, to put in the time and the work necessary so that if another of my favorite places closes or another friend and I part ways, at least I'll know I did what I could to keep them around as long as possible.